This is where I stood the day of my wedding.
Right in front of this mirror.
I can remember it like it was yesterday.
I had hot rollers sprayed with an entire can of Aqua Net hairspray and bright red lipstick and liquid black eyeliner and yards and yards and yards of beaded satin with a monogrammed train…..and a southern accent.
We were supposed to be leaving for the church and my mother was rushing around with the veil and a cake server….telling me how late we were going to be and asking me why in the world was I wearing such red lipstick?
And all the while she was talking and fluttering about…..I stood here…..
……in front of the mirror.
Thinking about Dear Abby.
I mean….isn’t that what every bride thinks about on her wedding day?
They would if they read the whole column Dear Abby wrote on being extra careful when you get married because your wedding date and time are published for the world to see in the newspaper…..and all sorts of unsavory characters could break into your house while you are gone and take 23 place settings of your elegant new china and fancy silver….and even the occasional toaster oven.
Can you even imagine?
I loved my new toaster oven…..
……and Dear Abby had me all tied up in knots about it.
Panicked…..I rushed from the bathroom and immediately told my mother that we needed to put our dog in the house. You know….so the dog could protect the china and the silver….and the toaster oven.
My mother said no.
Obviously she had never read Dear Abby.
I pled and begged and let a stray tear slip from my eye and stomped my pearl encrusted newly dyed satin heels.
To no avail.
My mother informed me in a very stern voice…..in no uncertain terms……that the dog would be staying outside.
Even after all these years…..at that moment I’m not really sure what came over me.
I don’t even know why…..in my Dear Abby induced state…..that I thought……that what happened next was the best chosen course of action.
But whatever the reason….whatever the consequences…..
…..I took my monogrammed train and Aqua Net hot rollers and sat down on the floor and refused to budge.
Right then and there….sitting on that tile floor…..I took my last stand.
It was not my finest hour.
I learned something about myself that day.
I learned that my mother was a saint.
I learned that worrying about a toaster oven can make you 20 minutes late for your own wedding.
And I learned that when it comes to brides and weddings…. never….ever….ever…..
….should Dear Abby be required reading.
PS This incredible amazing house of my childhood……where I applied eyeliner and wore hot rollers has just been bought by a wonderful new family.
We spent the weekend packing up a lifetime of memories.
And just in case you were wondering…..the mirror….and the lipstick….
….came home with me.